when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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