Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
