Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Randomize
