Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
