I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
