youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Randomize
