it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
