When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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