Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
