Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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