He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
