Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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