....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
