I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
