I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
