the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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