Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
