I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
