Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize