oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
