I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
