Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Oh god it's open bar.
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