I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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