so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
