I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
