if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
