I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
