How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think my moral compass just broke
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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