You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
