so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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