I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
