I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
