Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
