Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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