I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
