My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
