i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
