I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
