I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
