peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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