Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
