Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
