if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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