hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
