Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
