I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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