i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
