Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
