i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
