She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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