Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
NoShamevember. You game?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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