this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize