He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
