I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
