U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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