i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
