he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize