Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
