i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
