Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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