a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Boobs speak an international language.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
